Tuesday 19 March 2013


How do you perceive me? 

I have been wondering about this lately, and looking from the outside to see how I am perceived.  People, family and friends, interact with me differently.  I know it largely has to do with the type of friendship you have, the longevity of it and the intensity of it.  But also, do they perceive me differently depending on what they get out of the friendship, if it suits them at the time, what their beliefs are, the type of person they are, how they were raised, the hardship or blessings they have gone through?

Mostly, I don't like what I see, it's like watching yourself on video or hearing your own recorded voice.  It even makes me cringe a little.  Am I annoying?  Do I talk too much?  Give too much information?  Care too much about everyone's problems?

It makes me want to change.  But is it just my perception?  Maybe there is nothing wrong at all, and it's all just in my mind, making a mountain out of a molehill.

When I see a photo of myself, I immediately think "is that what I look like?"   Stupid I know.  I obviously know that is what I look like.  But if the photo is especially awkward or downright bad I do wonder. 

Watching myself on video is much worse.  Do I really laugh like that? Wrinkle up my nose like that? Raise my eyebrows too high?  Too animated when I describe something? Do I try to be funny too often? Am I even funny?

I used to try too hard.  I had to, for the kids, for myself.  When we moved to Tassie, I knew no one and had no family within a Bass Straight.   I would scrutinise new friendship interactions, do they like me? Do they like us? Introvert by nature, I had to force myself to 'try'.  I made great friends, and am glad I forced myself to get out and about.

Four years on, I still have those same friends I met in those early months.  They have been there through thick and thin, and especially when Oshawott has been sick.

Some of my friends 'get' us alot more, they understand the unique personalities and quirkiness of the boys, and Coder.  Yep, Coder.  He is a massive introvert, and has a hard time making friends.  Even after almost 5 years (he was in Tassie before we all moved down), he still doesn't have many 'good' friends.   He doesn't have a best mate, or a group of guys that invite him places or that he feels he can invite places.  His best mate lives in Florida, so visits are around 3 years apart.  He needs to try harder? Yes possibly.  But it's really difficult when you are such an introvert and also, works so hard there is not alot of free time.  And that free time is usually for the boys.

So do I need to change myself or just change my view on perception?  Care less?  Care more?  If I think about this too much I can see I would make it into something that it is perhaps not. 

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